The Diary fragments 3 страница

“That’s right, girl”, I whispered

“Seriously?” still laughing prince asked the princess.

“Yeah, he made the whole kingdom split their sides with laughter, a half of father’s violinists are unable to play because of their hands trembling”, - they kept talking.

“So you are a jester, my friend”, disingenuously said the prince.

“You grandma is a jester, fucktard”.

The princess screamed with laughter.

“Tomorrow you will die, twice”, the prince said furiously.

“You will kiss my ass, twice. I wish I had Lena’s toy right not or some kind of rifle instead of that needle. I would mop up the floor with you, your father and that retarded carpenter of yours. That way you would have died, just once but forever”.

“What are you muttering there? Oh, you must be praying”, frustrated prince said.

“Let’s go, that’s enough of him, he is going to die tomorrow anyway”.

“Look who’s talking! Go princess, go, get that watchdog out of here, and by the way ask yourself who am I – your friend or an enemy, and why do they keep me imprisoned while your kingdom asked me out for the ball”.

-She subsided, my words must have touched her, but she said nothing. The prince started instead:

“What are you hinting at, how dare you to…”.

“Let’s get out of here, I have to go home”, the princess pulled him by the gauntlet.

They left, but I couldn’t sleep. I was watching the stars thinking that someday they will die as well.

Then, I thought aloud. I did not want to do anything, I didn’t even try to escape, perhaps I just took a chance on. I was sure that my death would not lead to anything special, just an end of another party. I will leave my place, thank them for the interesting but still not instructive game and leave them just as I always do. However, I was a bit afraid that I would pay with my life for this game.

“You are so quick-witted!” I heard princess voice.

“It’s you again, why are you not asleep your highness?”

“Don’t bother yourself I am alone”.

“Come down here, let’s fuck!”

“What?!”

“Nothing…”

“I am very curious, what are you doing here alone, princess?”

“I have thought about your words. So are you my friend or an enemy? And why are you imprisoned?”

“Let me begin with the second question. The answer is simple – wrong place, wrong time. And I guess I am your friend, for the nonce”.

“For the nonce” because you will die tomorrow or because you are waiting for my help?”

“For the time being, both of them have a paramount importance”.

“Hmm, how would you prove your loyalty?”

“Who are your enemies?”

The princess answered nothing.

“You’ve got lost in your thoughts, haven’t you? That happened, when the archenemy of yours took you by the hand for the first time, and now you can’t understand that your friends couldn’t be held in prison. It appears that I am a foe for them, and if I am a foe for them, so who I am for you? Think about the price of your love, while you still able to think”.

She kept silent.

“It seems that you decided to keep silent. So, let me answer that question for you while you are totally lost, and mistake your enemies for your friends and vice versa. You will not even notice your mother’s head on the golden tray that you would bring to their black court”.

“Silence, Don’t say anymore, sir. Do not provoke my wrath, I don’t understand why do I still tolerate your impudence. I think you deserve to die”.

“Whatever, it is your choice, princess. Oh, by the way, don’t call me “Sir”, it sounds terrible”.

“It doesn’t matter how to call you, you will die tomorrow”.

With these words she ran away, and I just fell asleep. I heard a grunt-horn, and then I felt the ground creeping upward. I jumped up relied on the smooth glass wall built into the tube, and frightenedly looked up. I was right! The hole to freedom was heading toward me on its own. The floor was raising higher and higher toward the blue sky by unknown force. I regained feet and noticed a small backpack with a long belt. With no questions, I took the backpack and put it on my shoulder. Finally, light of unknown sun hit my eyes forcing me to raise a hand to cover my face from its orange-pale beams. The next second I saw a huge crowd of wildly shouting people. What age was that and how could I call that crowd? Dozens of horse-drawn vehicles with hay in it – “A society exhausted by farming, cattle breeding, and by its own corruption”. The floor has already became roof rising above the ground, but I couldn’t even think about leaving it. A strange feeling – from the depths right to the scaffold. I wondered if they screamed because they loved me or not?

“Well hello there!” I said upon noticing the black throne of the Black king, the Black queen next to him, and the princess in white with the black prince. Numerous guards stood behind them. First line was unmounted, second line – mounted. Only-begotten who was showing no emotions about my arrival. As from the sky a big checkered cap tumbled down my head. In a second, I appeared behind the circular tight celling. Non-stopping floor has already passed about fifteen meters above the ground, and nearly reached a metal ladder.

“Like an astronaut in the checkered rocket”, I thought, climbing the ladder on a display of the crowd, thanks to the ceiling. I went on a bridge wrapped in checkerboarded array.

“Well, they have placed me high enough”, I told myself minding my steps. I saw them as well, but I had an advantage – I saw them all, but they saw just me although that was not much help. I had no escort, no one forced me to move, they just sat there to show me the only available path. I noticed that the crowd was endless or they were just moving in time with me.

“Right, they just follow me while knights are clearing their path hitting and trampling everyone on the way”, I saw the end of my path. A stone mountain has appeared at once, there was a door in it connected to the bridge, which I was walking on like a donkey.

“I thought it will be easier – took out, executed or granted pardon, that’s it. But no, there is a demonstration. I go. They follow. Screw you all!'

I will not move any further. Therefore, I sat down. After a few minutes nothing happened, the crowd just stood there while I was watching down them spitting. It was a special kind of spit – when saliva stretches dripping from your mouth and after a half of a second vanishes in distance. In my case that must have been sensible for those, chosen by fate or by an accident.

They stood with their heads up, even their highness.

“What are you looking at?” I shouted at them. “I am not going anywhere!”

In all probability, they heard me; moreover, they understood me as far as I could see their highness, except of princess heads lowered. They might have been undertaking a decision. Damn, they have undertook the decision too fast. Just after my words, the side where I began my journey has begun rising. Now I was traveling sitting on my butt to the place that I swore not to go. I regained my feet because I had to run like hell. I said no more, I was just thinking about a transparent border between insistence and jejunity.

Literally, a few seconds later, without stopping, I broke through the door entering a small grey room barely illuminated by a candle placed on a wide and heavy oak table. There were so many papers full of notes scattered around. I looked around, moved a chair and sat behind the table just as if I was doing that regularly. I took the first comer paper and began reading:

'The closer to the hearth the farther to the mind,

As if I live within you,

I will show you the painting without name,

Can you see the face smeared? It is she, and I am the one who did it.

Erased softly, for a long while,

I raged, writhed in hysterics, fell down in tears

Then if I had energy – assembled

Here on that painting, you can see my friends

My friends – trees, standing still but growing,

I am invisible; I walk among them,

And very rarely I hint my whereabouts,

My temper does not like it; I will erase them

Or maybe not, I’ll just gather them together in the mists,

The mist will fade and nothing will remain

That is a deception, and the deception is a hobby of my friends, trees, people…

Glowing eyes of wolfs, glistening teeth,

And on these teeth they hold peaceful sheep.

Now think upon it and just imagine what is next…'

“Insanity”, I thought. “Who wrote this nonsense? What was he thinking about? I couldn’t understand a word, all these friends, trees, wolfs, sheep”. I threw the dusty paper on the table and stretched myself. Twinkling light made me sleepy; I have hardly closed my eyes. Once again, I heard the roaring crowd. I opened my eyes and jumped up. Now I was really scared. I stood in the amphitheater cut into the mountain. Far away, I saw a crowd surrounding me just as if they come to see a massacre. I stood on the lowly hill, while people around were roaring somewhere far from me. The hill was about eighteen-twenty meters tall and it was totally covered with green. Around the hill sheep peacefully browsed near hardly heard garrulous cold and pure brook. Some of these sheep were allaying the thirst. They lived this way for a long time. A sense of danger was in the air. I remembered:

…. Peaceful sheep….

Then I understood everything. I tried to recall the words I recently entitled as “insanity”. But, the events came thick and fast by its own. As if from nowhere a pack of wolves appeared. I heard their spiteful growl; I felt their glances. I recalled the last phrase in my memory, it wasn’t hard at all:

… Glowing eyes of wolfs, glistening teeth, and on these teeth, they hold peaceful sheep.

What comes next?

I was too afraid to think about my future. I decided to wait. The wolves were falling on their prey, the sheep did not understand what was happening and for the first time in their life they felt fear. The wolves were coloring the grassland red with blood, growls and woeful cry of sheep; against the background of euphoria and admiration of the crowd of so-called audience, the flurry of cruelness drove mad. As I understood, when the last sheep would be dead they would turn to me. That’s what actually happened. In a minute, wolves began surrounding my hill. Finally, wolves flooded the whole vicinity; there were thousands of them. My hearth was beating so hard that I thought it was going to tear out if only to avoid that feeling of fear. I refreshed memory about the game, it was my turn, it had to be my turn, but through it all, nothing changed. The ruck has already occupied half of the hill. All of a sudden, wolves ran in complete disorder under the rain of arrows followed by people from the crowd. Equestrians slashing heads at full tilt appeared. Sounds of fighting swords, people’s roaring, growl and whimper, sing of arrows – everything merged in darkness. That was a turn of the White king. It was good time to run away, but remaining wolves could easily tear me apart. I had to protect myself somehow. I drew my sword and fetched a sigh looking at the ruck. Sword was not much of help, I didn’t even know how to use that, they would rend me before I raise my hand. Then I gave a look at the backpack, which I dropped under my feet just after I climbed the hill. Time was an issue, I dropped to my knees and began brokenly unpacking the backpack, and fortunately, it wasn’t a problem. I shook out the backpack. I could not believe my eyes. Princess gave me a rifle in the backpack. God dang it! I grabbed the rifle and gave a fire around wolves. Some of them fell down. I ran forward to break through the encirclement. I ran for dear life, I saw their feelings in their eyes; anger gave place to sorrow and a wish to survive, then despair, and after that their eyes closed dead. Time ran in tandem with me changing colors and faces, rushing into chaos. Fatigue came to me. I couldn’t run anymore so I fell down the grass. It was strange but no one could notice me anymore, a feeling of aloofness came. I laid on the grass in the very center of the battle totally needless. Who knows, maybe they have just gave me up for lost. On the other hand, maybe that war wasn’t mine. I couldn’t hear anyone, I might have lost hearing, I could only look at the transparent blue sky swallowing me up. Without an idea what I was doing I found energy to stand up, dropped down my rifle and looking at mortal hatred of the opponents I began outflanking them. Somehow, I became invisible again; I had no anger or desire to survive anymore.

“That’s your last fight, son! Kill her!” the wounded king cried.

The prince stood in the battlefield with his sword stretched out between his bleeding father and fearless beloved princess. He did not know what to do; He had to make a choice.

“Go and kill her, son! Your father, your flesh and blood commands you!

With these words, powerless king fell on his knee”.

“Kill her at least”, Black king repeated.

The prince as if brainwashed, slowly obeyed his dying father’s will. Looking in the depths of her eyes, he whispered:

“It is your fault; you killed him…”

“I did not…”

“God damn you!” his steps became abrupt, his teeth became sharp, he became even faster.

The chess army of White king was victorious, so the most part of the battlefield was painted white.

The princess drew a sword from under the belt.

I saw Black queen running. She shot one of here guards with crossbow, vaulted into the saddle and raced to the ark leading to freedom. She was the only who decided to run but not fight.

I understood what was happening and ran to her as fast as I could, but froze on the spot. I landed in the room where the game began. I shivered; my hands were full of grime, my clothes were torn, I wanted to go back. The same as early these faceless creatures sat on their places emotionless. Their so-called faces were looking at me; they were waiting for my turn. With trembling hand, I grabbed the chessman in the middle of the chessboard and put it to the farthest Black queen. At time, I came back to the empty castle. I knew why I was there.

“I know why you are here!”

I startled upon these words and didn’t even notice how I crossed the corridor and entered queen’s bedroom. She stood looking at the sunset behind the window. I did not want to talk to her but she shattered the calm:

“So beautiful, isn’t it? Beautiful and dreadful… I know that you like that kind of view…”

She touched something in my mind, something that no one could even reach. I wanted her to continue.

“Once, a fortuneteller as she called herself, told my mother that one day she will have to talk with the death, she came here as sudden as you did. By the way – she turned to me leaving fiery crimson sunset behind – about your arrival, you might have asked yourself for hundred times: “Why, whereto, wherefrom and how?” These four are the most important questions that humanity trying to answer through its history. But truth is that these questions are not the questions. Fools! Although foolery became an integral part of humanity. The core of living and non-living is within not only something unknown, but within something simple. We sustain each other. I know you have always believed in fortune, but I must disappoint you – there is no fortune. Almost without exception, we feel some necessity; it doesn’t matter if it is necessity of someone or something, I speak about living. Even a strange bedfellow that you meet on your path and which you can dispose of, anyway becomes your and his necessity. Necessity you don’t realize. Just because of these acquaintances, sometimes we avoid some unnecessary changing; both moral and physical, and vice versa, something changes us. How often did you say: “Oh, you are the one I was looking for” or “About time, friend!” That is the “necessity theorem proof”. We fetishize our own words. We created and assembled many religions just like mosaic. We push dictated by our mind questions away in fear with desire to breathe free. Circumstances and capability to reflect change people. A simple example: envision yourself in freezing temperatures dressed in light clothes. What rather thought you would have? Try answering this question. “Frost and your necessity to be there” – these are the circumstances, and warm clothes – that you could have thought about when you were home. I know what you thinking about. You think that life is different; if thermometer or an opened window could tell you about weather, in real world you have to be perceptive enough to avoid such situations. Your capability to think and infer – that is your foresight. Remember where have you been before you arrived here? What have you seen? What have you changed and what results it brought… Upon thinking about that, tell me – “Who are you and what do you bring here?” You keep silent, that means you understand what I am trying to say. Alright, refresh your memory about Lena, which you liked so much. Why did you like her? Think about it. You liked her spirit. But what does the word “spirit” means for you? – An ability to kill. Ask yourself who you are. What happened to the girl you called “the panther”? Panther is a preying animal, and animals have an excuse for killing, they do it to survive. You have survived those things you made yourself and others suffer, and you called it “chaos”, “insanity”… As for you, I am just a coward, but I did not want to pay unnecessary bills… You tell me, what had happened to the panther? She killed herself with the rest… Tell me what you bring here? What was her excuse? Answer me; it is your time to answer. You are so bold in your thoughts, so answer me, what are you waiting for”.

“Death”, I whispered…

“Who are you?”

-…

“Not a scythe of death your weapon; your weapon is your thought that you so deeply impose to others, and hide from yourself. But let that pass, remember why have you came here? You have come to kill me, why have you come to kill me? Do you think I am among these who scarcely worth to live, because I am the one who survived? Who the fuck you are to judge me? Ask yourself if you have right to judge me, answer me what did you bring here?”

“Death”.

“So who are you?”

-…

“Where would you go after killing me? Search for those whose time to kill has come. Remember what you were thinking about recently looking at the stars. You were thinking that even stars can’t live forever. You know, the greatest thing in you is absence of fault and naive sorrow in your eyes. However, there are some rules that no one can change, except these who you ask for help in trying times. It is strange isn’t it? To feel that great ascendant which you can’t even understand, while you are looking at the sky with acute fascination. I like watching the sky because I am too afraid to face it. That is another combination of circumstances. Don’t blame yourself, just think, be ashamed of your mistakes, try to fix it. By the way, I would like to tell you about loneliness. Loneliness is a problem of those who want to avoid the sky, and self-confidently head to the gates of self-containment, showing everyone their long tongue. As I remember, one of those tried to put his finger in every pie just to answer all these eternal questions, ignoring all the questions that sunset and dawn could have asked him. He didn’t give an account of time. Therefore, it doesn’t matter what you bequeath. The matter is what people need and how you lived, live and will live. Would you want to live and would you be ready to live another life? I am glad that you didn’t reach that point yet, live and don’t be afraid of life. If you came here to kill me, so be it”.

I dropped the sword and turned to the door leading away from queen’s bedroom. I heard a chuckle behind, and words:

“You didn’t tell me who are you”.

I stopped, doubled back, took my sword and pierced her hearth. She fell down her knees. I clung to her face, eye to eye, and softly answered. She fell down dead.

I pulled the sword out of her bleeding chest and put it back, behind the belt.

Then I just walked. There were no castle, no queen, no death, just my silent steps. I did not know what was that flatness made of, that was some kind of terrain merging into the sky. Neither one thing nor the other. I was walking on the book’s leaf, on the empty book’s leaf, on the white background, through it, from one to another. Between truth and lie. It might be a lie, just an excessive imagination, which I had to play with or fight against. When you feel walking on white background, you involuntary understand that you will finish nowhere. Although I see a point, I don’t know how I am dressed, I am too scared to look at myself, I am afraid of my own eyes, thanks god there are no mirrors. The black point and I am going right to it, I see now, it is survived princess. She didn’t even look at me, but said something. I didn’t even listen to her, because I knew what she would say. I thought that I will just take her as a keepsake, and at time, I have found myself in a familiar playing room, it was just the same as before, but vacant. No faceless players, no table, no chairs, I gave a look around feeling united with the room, but that union was broken by a non-existing chessman lying on the floor. That figure represent the one who I wanted to grab with me. So I kept my promise – I put the chessman into my pocket and went out. I gazed at the landscape and descending ladder longer than usual. I did not want to go any further. I made a step when I understand that there was no reason to go back. She might have been right when she said that the death is within me and “there is no fortune”. I slowly went below.

The eighth floor

Making no bones, I opened the next surrealistic door. It lead out of the house. One would think there should have been no ground, that was the eighth floor after all, but it appeared that I stepped out of the porch. The porch might have not belonged to the building, which I was wandering all that time. Air was stuffy, rainclouds covered the city, it seemed like it was going to rain. I did not know anything about the city, and I was sure that no one could guide me. Although I would rather encounter such kind of vicinity where I would easily orientate oneself because somehow, I always know where to go. A young man about twenty years old stood in the yard. In all likelihood, he was my neighbor. I could not remember his appearance, but for sure, I can say that he wore a black shirt with upstanding collar. I believe he bought it not long ago, maybe an hour ago.

“How much and where did you buy it?” I asked.

“A an hour ago, not far from here, it was expensive enough”.

We went through vinous tight lanes. The neighbor which I knew nothing about, was telling me something simultaneously waffling his left hand while his right hand was hanging down like paralyzed. I was examining his “expensive enough shirt” as like trying to make a conclusion about its quality.

“Really, it is cool, soft and light, just take a look at that collar, touch it, gently”.

I touched the shirt and it gave a laugh.

“What the hell?” I asked.

“It’s okay, it is just ticklish”.

I had to believe that, so I believed and asked:

“Where is it from?”

“I don’t know, I have already asked, but it doesn’t want to tell me. Anyway, it is a pleasure just to talk with it heart-to-heart. In fact, my shirt is not stupid at all, far from my friend’s shirt, just fancy! He bought a shirt expensive enough as it should be, it can talk, but it can’t enunciate clearly and it doesn’t even know how to read!”

“Well, it might be off size”, I said.

“So I said!”

Soon we entered a small private store and I demanded pointing on the neighbor’s shirt:

“Similar to this one, please”.

Vendor was about fifty years old; he looked like David Copperfield, but noticeable frosty with small beard. He knitted his brow and asked:

“Expensive enough?”

“Yep”, I murmured.

“Let me see…”, he said and vanished somewhere behind the counter. During that time, my neighbor was talking non-stop, pulling my arm every time he wanted my attention. This time his words hit me:

“… Zemphyra lived not far, one of my pals told me; they shared a staircase, but no one could find her at home, and now she moved out”.

I said nothing, because Zemphyra was not much of my attention. Following my irresponsibility, I felt few more pulls and my hot blood released itself:

“Stop fucking pulling my arm, I don’t care about Zemphyra”.

“Sorry, no more talking shirts left”, I heard vendor’s voice behind the counter.

“Fuck you too!” I roared. “Madman! These shirts have never existed!”

I left the store very bitchy. I held a hot pace, just as if I was in hurry. I tried to think nothing, looking at streamy blue rocks under my fit, until I stumbled upon the:

“Hello”.

“Hi”, I answered crossly.

As I thought, we had some urgent business with the man I have just met, except for greetings. We went further. We were walking for less than a minute while suddenly disappeared. In a second, I have appeared in front of his house trying to unlace. I have realized that this lace was part of my body, too late.

From the corner of the corridor his brother came. Middle-heighted, able-bodied, wearing glasses with black eyeglass frame (such frame was in vogue among engineers of sixties, nearer to eighties it became in vogue among high school teachers, especially among principals, math teachers and shop teacher). Following the brother his father appeared. the lock shut with a snap behind me. I wanted to turn around, but I did not, because I have already sat into the chair. I thought about something meditatively looking at my business partner’s brother, who sat counting something in mind, making notes in the notebook. His father loudly clapperclawed the calculator, yelling “ninety two, ninety two only” from time to time. These two kindred souls sat on a sofa back to back.

I had no interest in their business. My new pal had no interest in their business as well.

As chance would have it, I heard no voices, I have realized that only when the house was crowded. There were many different people, altogether they were articulating strange. Their loud voices were merging in total silence. I raised with intention to go to the kitchen. The walls began to displace slowly heading towards me. Then they turned around and I saw a corridor. I was angry because there were too many people in the corridor. I heard their voices, but I couldn’t see them. I entered the kitchen with some people there. I remembered none of them except of old woman sitting at the table with guitar in her hands. Her melodies appeared very familiar, but I wasn’t listening attentively so I couldn’t say where had I heard them. My new pal stood at the window, smiling and looking at different colors of the night city. I approached my business partner and few steps from him I turned to see the old woman playing. He seemed rarely cheerful, necky and boastful.

For some time we kept silence, I stood next to my pal and with acute fascination observed the night city. Unknowingly, I took a cigarette from my pocket and said:

“It is jollily”.

“Yep, Zemphyra has come”, he said smiling. “Do you like her?”

“Zemphyra? Not much”.

I was twitching the cigarette hesitating to smoke, because I did not know if I was able to smoke inside. I left my pal and went out of the kitchen. This time I could see all these people. There were a lot of them, they were snaring around the flat drunk, joyful and happy. There were many fat housewives among them. I passed the corridor and entered the room where Zemphyra was wandering around others. Straight black hair, a girl with smart and impressive loden eyes and clayey features, far and by she was not the one I saw on photos and magazines. As I could see, Zemphyra was glad and happy among these people, she was smiling at from time to time participated in general conversations. No one gave a tumble at me.

I sat into my chair again and began understanding that these people actually irritated her. I could understand her. She was just like me – a guest, and probably that why I couldn’t help her.

“Strange, she differs from what I saw on the photos, and to be honest I like her real character much more than what I saw, unfortunately I can’t say something about her inward. She is not in fault of her rhymes; the one with the guitar at the kitchen is in fault. If not that old woman, no one could have known about Zemphyra, except of her best friends and archenemies”.

While I was thinking, Zemphyra has passed by me many times. Front door has always been in action. Zemphyra has vanished a few times; she has been smoking I suppose. I left the chair again and headed to the kitchen. It was as same as before except of my pal. I sat at the table and asked for something to eat. I gave a look at the clock; it was half past midnight. I turned to be in hurry, but the esurience was eating me from within. I managed to go to the market, I bought one French bread, came back and ate it and everything I could find as well. I am not sure how did it happen, but I spent eating no more than three minutes. Although the esurience stood put. On the other hand, I gave an attention to the old woman: she sang Zemphyra’s rhymes. I asked for another guitar and wanted to play along because I was bored as hell. All of a sudden, the old woman stopped playing, I did not understand if that was intended or the song has just ended. Widely smiling she asked me:

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