The Diary fragments 4 страница

“Do you like her last album?”

I remembered Zemphyra and supposed that she might be very upset.

“Nope, I don’t like it”, I answered and left the room.

I was walking through the corridor for a long time, Zemphyra was just in front of me, but I couldn’t approach her, I realized that it could last forever when all of a sudden I approached her.

“Cigarette?” I proposed passing her by.

“Hi”, she said and instantly took place close to me.

We went out of the flat closing the door behind, then we stopped on the staircase. I gave a smoke, she chuckled supposedly because I forgot to give her a cigarette, but said nothing.

“It’s strange”, I whispered trying to read her mind through her eyes.

“What’s strange?” she asked upon pulling at cigarette.

“You are different”.

“You too”, after these words she outsang inaudibly.

“You have an AIDS, blablabla”, these opening keynotes she whispered.

“Nope, you have AIDS but I supposedly have insanity”, I suddenly remembered my own songs.

The door opened and people came out:

“Hey Zemphyra, are you coming? We are waiting for you, come on…”

Zemphyra lowered her eyes, doubled her fists and nervously yelled:

“I’m coming, I’m coming!”

People did not move, on the contrary, they crowded the staircase.

“All right, let’s go or they will never leave us alone”.

I crumbled the cigarette by the wall and followed Zemphyra. I don’t remember what was she singing, but it wasn’t so bad, she wasn’t looking for me as I thought, and it hurt my feelings somehow. I listened to her for a short while. When I glanced at watch that has already been half past three. I took my camisole, never understanding how could it disappear, technically I didn’t even know how and why it all happened.

I have already been going down the stairs when all at once I heard a familiar voice behind:

“Leaving so soon? I knew that I should have took a rest”.

I turned around, that was Zemphyra again.

“Yes, I have to go, just as always, it is strange”, I answered.

“It’s alright, at long last we will have something to sing about, it would be absurdly…”

I interrupted her, decided to finish the sentence and kill the truth at once converting it into the joke:

“If everyone have suddenly understood everything”.

She gave a smile to my solution, and the last of her words, when I has already been touching cold metal porch door were:

“Come round and see me, I mean – Just like you, sometimes I am here”.

“That might have been something from her new rhymes”, I thought and closed the door leaving her alone.

Once again, I found myself on the landing. What would happen if I behave different? – These thoughts kept me on the alert. That why I did not notice how I landed on the seventh floor.

The seventh floor

As usual, coming to the door, I tried to open it, but it did not open. For a person used to the fact that every door is always open, that news was nonsense. Whatever I did, the door disobeyed. At last I have just broke it and found myself in total darkness, in presence of an agleam TV. Against the TV, I noticed a chair. Already calmed down I came to the chair and sat down. A speaker announced:

“That’s what you wouldn’t tell anyone”.

And I saw myself sitting on the opposite side just as if I was looking in the mirror. I swept fear aside and I don’t know why but I said:

“Please, continue”.

That Me, in the TV thanked, coughed and proceeded:

“At last I came to the scratch to tell you the story of multifaced love that I don’t want to keep within. (I wanted to make it shorter, but that meant to tell nothing at all.)”

Three years ago, after wandering in search of answers for some questions, I met a girl, her name was Olga (I was twenty-one and she was seventeen). As such, I am an air-headed person and I don’t take everything to hearth, love has to make a long way to reach me. She heard about me from her cousin – a good friend of mine (She is about six years older than me. We met in the network) her name was Yana.

I worked at theatre (worked with computers); in the evening I had rehearsals (I have formed a rock band six years before the story). I did not invite Olga to the rehearsals, and she did not know about my hobbies (guitar and singing) as well. I don’t know why, but I did not want her to know about that. We were meeting when I needed some pureness and fondness, although there were enough fondness from others, but someone pure I have never had. The next day after our acquaintance (When I have forgotten to call her and remembered that too late), she asked me to come with her to the library (She had to find some reports for literature); I did not refuse because I like reading. But that fact amazed her (It was not a saloon but library, and on top of that, I like reading.)

On that first appointment, I was the same as you see me now – joyful and funny. I was tall, shaggy, with wavy hair and ultrawhite smile, while she was joyfully laughing and examining me with her shiny childlike eyes. On the way home, that proud-hearted girl began to tell me a story about her family packing their bags to depart to localities near Moscow, videlicet to Orekhovo-Zuyevo, one day. It made no difference; I have just wished them good luck whereupon she smiled.

Thus, we were seeing for three months. I was telling her about my fantasies, my dreams, stories that ever happened to me, singsong to her (Sometimes my own rhymes, what was really funny), in return she unveiled a secret that she was writing verses as well, that she was into reciting to the stars, and that she had never been way beyond yard. She was glad but synchronously amazed that I was never pushing her, she was glad because she obtained such a friend she had never had, from the other hand she was amazed by the distance between us. She knew that I had enough women. I could tell her about them with no hesitation. She knew that afterwork I hang about with my friends drinking beer, laughing, talking aloud and listen to some strange music. But one day she asked herself… Who am I for her, and what is happening between us?... She answered the first question but did not find an answer for the second.

As for me, I kept to my regular joyful and sunny lifestyle without a though about something of that kind. Drive, beer, girls and my fantasies kept me infatuating. But one nice day, when we arranged an appointment she came different. In reply to my jokes she was sadly smiling, she was looking at me just if she was trying to look inside my soul, so I wondered if I offended her somehow. She stifled a smile and shook her head no. I did not notice that she was holding tears back.

Not far from the park where we sat, local bards were gathering once a week, and that was the day. I recalled that and proposed to go to them, but I didn’t notice that she didn’t care where to go, she just wanted to stay beside me.

Strange though it may seem there were many youths – addicted to rhymes boys and many familiar girls. In a second, everything have become familiar and regular. She stood beside me and felt outsider, and indeed something touched me from within, but I did not gave a respect to it. People around began asking me to sing something new. They gave me a guitar (I didn’t even tell them that I play guitar) and I began singing something not from my own repertory (So I didn’t tell them that I write poems). I sang while she was insistently looking at me, only then she closed her eyes for a moment, and tear ran down her cheek, she put her hands on the face and vanished in crowd.

I haven’t finished the song, I said that I forgot the words and followed her. I caught her, asked what has just happened whereon she answered that she had a headache and wanted to go home. Half way we went in complete silence, I was fine, but she was not. Then Olga asked me:

“Was that your own song?”

I nodded.

“So why did you tell me that you do not sing?”

I asked her:

“Why?”

She answered nothing.

At the wicket to her yard, she asked me to never come or call her again. I calmly answered: “…Okay… “, she went silent, so I continued… “Well, I have to go…” She nodded. As if nothing had happened, I turned around and moved. At that time, she shouted… “Wait!” I stopped, turned around and asked… “What?” She rushed into my arms and nestled at my chest, and then she said: “…Go and never come back”. She jumped back and ran away.

I rejoined my friends and forgot about everything. I came home late and wasted, I slept like a dog. The next day as usual – work, rehearsal and yet another evening in the park… Once again, I forgot about everything, I felt that something was wrong, whether the sun gone dim or the sky turned black, but I couldn’t understand why. Two days later, the sys-wing-ding (That is a kind of gathering where virtual people become real. These people do not worth talking) should have been held at the local cafe. I was not interested neither in hard drives nor in operating systems. I even had a really slow computer compare to theirs. So I kept silence more often than not, and drank my beer very slowly because I have almost ran out of money. Yanka sat there (I mentioned her, she is Olga’s sister) crowded by adult and smart men; they were amusing her in their best. I had a place at the farthest corner of the room. Seeing me, she nodded in smile as if she said hello. It was almost midnight, and I was in no mood. I finished my beer, bought another bottle for my last savings and moved to the roof. Yes, to the roof, the roof of high-rise building. I went there every time I wanted to be on my own.

I sat on the concrete floor in complete darkness; smoking, drinking and looking at the stars and city lights. I remember the moon irritating me. I even tried to hold my eyes off it, I thought that the moon was about to start yelling at me for being such a loon. But that wasn’t moon who began speaking:

“Are you there? I am curious how you still in one piece among this darkness…”

That was Yana, she was one of the few who knew about my secret place.

“What are you doing here? You must be at home”, I asked.

“No why”, she said and appeared under the moonlight.

'So, mister runaway, you sit there alone in sadness', - she said smiling.

“I did not run from anyone”.

“Okay, okay”, - with these words she took place beside me looking at the city lights.

“She is having heebie-jeebies for three days a row, just sitting in her room crying”.

I kept silent.

“She loves you, she loves you as nobody does”, - Yanka proceeded.

“Why do you think so?” I was curious.

“Are you blind or deaf? You hide here thinking that everything is left behind, but you can’t hide from yourself, you will have to go back”.

“ You love each other, and you both afraid of your own feelings, that’s why you are here while she is crying herself to sleep. Wake up already! Go and get her if she is truly dear to you”.

In that moment I really choked up, because I was really scared, my hearth was almost in my mouth.

“Go right now, call her, she is waiting for it. From the other hand, if you don’t love her…”

“I do!” I interfered

The next minute I have already been running through the city making a beeline. Along the road, I cut a half a packet of cigarettes. I was aflame just as everyone who fell in love. Then I began realizing why I didn’t want to see the moon, why the sun gone dim. Even the started warm rain was hurrying me, washing me with its unexpected sympathy. These minutes I turned to be different, totally different. Grey clouds floated, wet hair covered my eyes, fireless cigarette stuck to my lips, but I didn’t feel that, I was out of my mind, I was in the middle of nowhere beside her.

Breaking through the door, I grabbed the phone and dragged it to my room, calling her in process. I closed the door and this minute I heard a joyful voice:

“Hello…”

On the background, I heard a merry laughter of cheerful people. I asked for Olga, the voice shouted:

“Olya!”

An after laughter voice said:

“What?”

“Someone’s calling you!”

Then I heard a cheerful “coming!” and second later Olga answered the phone:

“Yes?”

“Hi”, I said embarrassedly because everything was vice versa to Yanka’s words.

“Hi”, she answered.

Offence and anger filled my mind, my anger was strain at the leash, my offence made me say:

“I thought you are sad, but I see you feel good enough!”

After that, I crushed the phone by the wall. I was cruising around the room with no idea what to do with my feelings, where could I hide from them, I realized that if I wouldn’t drink something I would never put my eyes together.

The second day of my drinking bout, about five o’clock I was lying on the floor of the rehearsal hall unconscious. She came inside. There were no one but my guitar, her and me. She was staying (As she said later) in the doorway for about fifteen-twenty minutes, silently crying and looking at me playing some strange drunk blues and whispering something. I was kicking empty bottles and turned around when the shadow in front of me suddenly moved. I didn’t even realize who was that when she rushed into my arms and I felt something pure and dear…

Since that day, we were together every moment, and at the thought that the time to go home came, our hearth felt sad. At the concerts she sat among my friends, every time someone encroached me she appeared. The menace wasn’t phantom and her rivals were instantly disappearing. I liked it and laughed every time.

One day we were sitting on the bench in the park at the fountain as usual. We were studying Spanish by reading the book, which Olga bought; actually, we were clowning around rather studying, butcher the language and laughing until cry. An old woman approached us; she was observing us from the opposite bench. The old woman with beneficent eyes, pleasant smile and a dog on the leash. She pronounced with hoarse old voice and aristocratic strain:

“What a lovely couple you are! You will have very beautiful children”.

I wonderingly and delightedly thanked her and gave a look at Olga. She was sitting with a look as if the old woman read her mind. The old woman has already gone, but Olga was still embarrassedly smiling, she was talking shortly and inaudibly, looking anywhere but not at me. Her eyes were shining even brighter than stars and through the laughter, I whispered:

“Heeeey…”

She answered:

“…Huh?”

“What’s a matter?”

That day on the way home, we talked about many things, and between the talks she suddenly asked:

“When are we going to get married, Jeff?”

As if I knew that:

“Do you want it so bad?” I gave an equivocal respond and burst out laughing.

“ Go on with you! Always joking!” she smiled.

Thus, we began managing our future. But all of a sudden we hit the wall named “Army”. I haven’t been there yet, so the faster I would join the army the faster I would take discharge.

The next morning I went to the military enlistment office. They said that I came too late, the spring call has ended and the autumnal one hasn’t started yet. They told me not to worry and promised to call me as soon as they could, so they did.

Suddenly the screen faded leaving a small point. I did not want to get up; I knew the end of the story. These minutes I was wondering through the wilderness of my past, and I did not want to retrace nor aimlessly wonder from nowhere to nowhere.

The book two.

The sixth floor

Now I understand myself. I slowly opened my eyes and another staircase appeared in front of me. Bright light hit my mind, which I didn’t like, so I closed my eyes. At the same time it seemed like I found an exit, how could I be so blind? I might have been too tired for that, I don’t want anything or anyone, I need some enclosure, I need just a little bit more time in it and I will pass that way, I need an elevator… So I went to the elevator, more truly to the place where it should be. I was right; my dream came true. A few buttons, choose any, I had no need to go back, going down was my only option. I pushed the call-button and it shined. Somewhere behind the elevator door, far far away, I heard a boom, it was calming, that was the boom of moving elevator. I leaned my elbows by the wall.

Hell yeah, tranquility is a drug, that you easily get addicted to, but there is always someone who wants to fight the addiction. It is so strange when someone tells you that you are strange and odd, but at the same time trying to take your place of strange and odd guy. It turns out that this is not my argument, supposedly because when I hear something like that I keep silence, because I am always sure that he will find a conclusion by himself. The elevator opened and I abstracted myself from my own thoughts, the doors moved at each side and I saw myself, more truly just my reflection in the mirror, which was put in the wall of the elevator. “So, that’s all”, I thought, everything became simple. “This time I will just pass these complicated levels, people, ideas, staircases and other stuff.” I entered the elevator instinctively looking at my reflection, adjusted my shirt and pushed the button one. The doors heavily closed. As I thought, the elevator was very comfortable, in spite of the fact that there were no one except of my reflection in the mirror and me. I was smiling and waiting. However, the elevator didn’t move. I coughed, pushed the shiny button again. The elevator didn’t move. “Okay”, I decided to push the button two. The button blazed up and I collected two blazing buttons, enclosed elevator and myself in the mirror. I NERVOUSLY PUSHED three, four, five. “Only six, could it be true?” I asked myself… and carefully pushed the button six, the elevator slowly rolled on down. “I’ve got it! I will stand out. I will not leave…” The Elevator stopped; the doors opened scratching… In response to the scene of the sixth floor in front of me, I just smiled and pushed the button five. The button lighted on, the door closed and the elevator rolled on…

“Hell yeah!” I shouted for joy. Suddenly, the elevator stopped, the light gone off… The button five was still shining, but the button six blazed up as well. Total darkness and quietness arrived. I wasn’t happy anymore, but unwittingly asked the elevator:

“So what now?”

There were no answer of course. I made a step to the shiny buttons trying to understand what was going on and answer my own question…

There must be a call-button, which can summon a maintenance party, who will come in great hurry to rescue me… I began pushing every button I could, because I couldn’t see anything. I’ve achieved no results but one – a button with an icon of microphone and speakers blazed up… I got down and said: “Heeey! Does anybody hear me?” No one answered… I repeated. No one answered…

Why the hell do I have these buttons if they are totally useless. I began punching the metal door… That wasn’t much helpful. All I did was just a rumble.

“Stupid dustbin!” I shouted like mad. My fists wearily sank down the door.

“Not a dustbin, but an elevator! Greetings, what happened to you?!” the voice appeared in complete darkness.

I froze.

“What happened to me?” I whispered turning to the blazing speakers…

I heard a frying and the voice said:

“Yeah, what happened to you?”

“Well, you know, I suppose that I’m stuck here…”, I shouted at the button. “But don’t worry, I‘m having an easy time standing on the rope trying to counterpoise, people around me laughing and shouting. In that case, how do you think, what am I supposed to do?”

“Nooo, it is not “to fall or to not” as you thought – it doesn’t matter for someone with corrupted mind… I need to understand – they are shouting and screaming because it is risky or they laugh because I am a clown and it is really funny?... I the most important is which of these options is the most truthful”.

The elevator began vanishing, bright light hit my eyes, loud voices and claps of raving crowd hit my ears, female voice from the elevator appeared in my head:

“Or maybe you are just an unknown tamer?”

Only this moment, through the bright light I noticed the silhouettes of big tigers and lions. In addition, when my eyes got used to glaring light, I noticed perplexed eyes of these animals looking at me. One of them reacted instantly, all I could see was big orange cat jumping with opened jaws. With great speed it approached me and vanished within me in complete darkness. I managed to yell unnecessary “A”. Then – stillness, emptiness and precise understanding that I stand somewhere rolled up, grasping my head, protecting myself from the cruel reality. Beating of my own hearth raise hopes… I was still alive.

“Alive”, the same voice, that gave me some firmness said.

“Sure”, slowly taking my hands away from my head.

“But they ate you!” the voice laughed.

“No, they didn’t, stop laughing… I am still inside the elevator and I can still hear you “speaker voice”.

“Inside the elevator”, the voice began laughing even harder… “follow the logic… you are inside a tiger and the voice could be anyone or anything. Summation of voices strike upon from any of billion realities”.

I kept silent, because I knew what to respond, and I was trying to gather it in my mind.

The voice might be tired of my pause and proceeded:

“C’mon, don’t be agitated, it was just a joke. You are still inside the elevator with your beloved buttons with speakers under them, which gave us an opportunity to talk”.

“Thanks god…”, I said indignantly calming down. I sat down and settled back.

“You were in a deadlock”, the voice said, “that’s why you are here”.

“Inside a tiger?” I joked.

“Inside a tiger, elevator, everywhere”.

“Noo… Deadlock is a myth for cookie-pushers…”

“Oh C’mon”, the voice said.

With my head above the abyss looking forward, I appeared to be lying at the edge of a canyon. My hands were hanging over the abyss, Me was hanging on was of them, on the other one was me as well. The third “me” had no hand to hold, he was hanging down holding on the edge of the canyon. They were yelling that they want to live, they cried for rescue. The one who had no hand to hold on, was silently and attentively gazing at his bluestained fingers. Realizing how to shift his weight from one finger to another he was slowly climbing. He looked much more atrophied than the others, I was sorry for him but unexpected his unexpected power despite everything gave him a hope to survive, however, at the same time no one and nothing could guarantee that belief in oneself is right way to success. So their chances were fifty-fifty.

“So, who would you leave behind?” the voice from nowhere hit my ear.

“This one, will surely fall down without your hand in spite of the fact that he is sure he will survive. The two, although they hang on your hand still sliding down. You can’t hold them all, if one of them will grab another you both will fall”.

“So what will you choose?”

“A necessary choice. There is a despair. Freedom of choice may be very limited, in spite of the fact that you have to deal with just yourself”. Saying that she brought me back inside the elevator, already well-alight, I was standing pushing the button five. There were people behind me. A woman with some bags. A man with a dog on the leash and a woman with a child. They were yelling at me to push the fucking button, blaming me for being myself. I pushed the button… The elevator rolled on down, the light blinked, the elevator arrived… The door opened and I found a view of the next floor. In state of shock, I made few steps forward and stopped waiting for the doors to close, but nothing happened. I turned around and saw that everyone who were blaming me a second ago, now were looking at me with love and sympathy. Their eyes were mystically shiny; they were wishing me all the best and even the dog fawned. The child holding his mom’s hand whispered:

“Anyway, that was the choice”.

The fifth floor

I wished to stay free. Although I don’t even know what freedom is, but I understand that I don’t want anyone to cry, regardless of any reasons. What should you do if you don’t trust to any State or president on entire planet? I walk, stepping every stair careful, just as if I was stepping on wounded hearths of living. It smells like rain, although in closed space. Inside this room, there is a similar one. That is my body and only then me, the one trying to control my body like to avoid pain. Where should you go when you can’t believe this world? Billion peoples froze in air. Their faces are looking at me and smiling. That is so strange, because they will fade it time without a trace. Just few of them whose smile I didn’t notice, might be busy leaving hints for me to explain everything and help me. For me, the one who gave up on every country, flags and presidents. Perfect power? The God! Perfect constitution – holy books. Perfect constitution and laws – faith, hope and love.

How many times I pretended for others and myself, that everything within our civilization is fine. That all these goods are helpful and useful. But why than, even the rich man looking from his luxurious car at the smiling caretaker, which hands merged with the broom, thanks god that he is not the guy who smiles, works and makes this world better, but lives as a almsman. Education has become a manna from heaven. Bureaucrats say that our people lagging behind. Disaster! But who will give them knowledge for free? As I think, instead of attending to slashing the budget of all-out people, enslaving them, they should axe monthly ration of our deputies. How much will we save? Maybe we should gather every celebrity, pop-retards, gays and whores and just allocate them to collective farms of our country, and let them put their powers into the development of our state? New workspaces will appear. Finally, there will be enough millet to support every child and adult in our country.

But let’s get back to our driver: “Yeah, I’ve achieved that. What can I do? that's the way the world wags. Someone gets everything, someone gets nothing”. I am a stranger in this inner conversation, but I want to know how the world wags. And all of a sudden someone’s voice in his head will say him: “You are looking through this precious half-opened window, you live loud, saving money and afraid of death, because beyond this border there are answers for any questions. Such a luck to avoid sorrow and fear of everything coming from biological safety of your body. You have everything! And both meanings are available. But one day, blinded you will be listening to the sounds of burying somewhere from above, forever. Forever without your car, money and fruitful career. No one will stop the process. Rumble in the head of someone sitting at his own grave, worrying about those who are beyond tears. They will give you flowers and leave. Well done, you have achieved a lot! Here is your precious tombstone decorated with golden chains, you won! Congratulations, you are the best at the cemetery. But the ground smells equally for everyone. There is also smell of rain and “that is so wonderful to make world better, even if your hands are merged with broom”, the caretaker things upon sweeping fallen leaves from your tombstone and absolutely sincerely, not knowing you while alive, he cherishingly adjusting withering flowers on your grave. That might be just echo of the divine purpose that could be heard only after death, or unwittingly while alive, with just a smile and inner happiness of existence independent of himself”.

That had happened to me. In my boyhood days, I was playing games in the yard, games that adults saw inappropriate or even dangerous for me. They were asking me: “What are you doing?” and was answering as just as any child would: “Nothing, just playing”. Just many years later, I began understanding another meaning of such situation. Not that meaning that comes airily, like I am a sporter, life is just a game or something like that, that’s just a quibble, I have understood something better. I was thought that kid doesn’t feel danger, he is from another world and maybe he conceives the world as it should be. Safe, pure and bright! Indeed just few years ago she was communicating with the universe, with the maker, and he unwittingly remembers everything, he knows who he is. Just as the maker indented. Safe, pure and bright for every living creature. And that is not so difficult, but somehow impossible for those, who lives for long while, for those who gives their own law to others and seeking for immortality to avoid the punishment afterlife. As I think these games that children play, must be played by everyone. The majority thinks that it will look like asylum. And they may be right, but I will say you that: The border beyond the question of blindness and awakening is very illusory – it is like walking the rope without a pole.

“Young man, you will catch a cold this way!”

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